What If
by CastlesQueen
Summary: What If it wasn't Derek Shepherd that was shot what if Meredith Grey had come out of the supply closet and told the shooter that she was Derek's wife would it change anything?or will Derek lose the love of his life.Chapters 1 and 2 have been re edited.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

Derek Shepherd was a man of honor, or so he believed as he made his way towards his new office, one that he inherited when he became chief a few months ago. He hadn't become chief the way he'd wanted to, but since Richard Webber, the former chief, had started drinking again the board had decided that a change was necessary, so they hired Derek as the chief. Derek remembered how his colleagues took the news; many of them were very angry and didn't bother to hide it, especially his wife who was the one who told him that Richard was drinking. He couldn't blame Meredith, after all Richard was like the father she never had and stood by her against her mother. As he made his way into the office he heard footsteps coming towards him and saw that it was April Kepner, who was covered in blood from head to toe, saw that she was shaking. Derek made his way towards her, concerned about what had happened to her.

Derek gripped her arms "Are you alright?" he asked as she continued to shake.

"I, uh..." April began to clam up.

"What is it? What's wrong? Did something happen?" He asked. beginning to panic as he thought of Meredith possibly lying there in blood.

"It's Reid. she's been shot and she's dead and I..." April trembled as she remembered seeing her friend lying in blood staring at her blankly.

Derek's blood had become cold when he heard that ."So we have a shooter in the hospital then," he said and April nodded.

"Okay, so here is what we are going to do." He began the proper protocols by phoning in the authorities and looking at the guidelines to find out what to do in a situation like this, and there was only thing that he could do.

So he told April to stay put and went to make sure there wasn't anyone else in the premises and on the way he spotted his wife and her best friend Cristina Yang walking in the walkway, heading towards his office. He quickly made his way towards them.

"What are you guys doing here?" Derek demanded.

"What do you mean 'what are we doing here,' we work here remember?" Cristina asked sarcastically.

"You can save your act for later we have a shooter and the place is on lockdown." Derek firmly said.

Both Meredith and Cristina gasped. "Are you serious?" Meredith asked, her green eyes showing concern.

"Yes, which is why you are going to stay here." He said pulling them both inside the supply room and saying, "Stay here 'til it's clear." Derek slammed the door and walked away hoping to find no more casualties along the way, and was satisfied that there weren't. He was going to go back to his office when he felt a gun pressing behind his head and he turned towards it finding a very familiar man stand right behind him.

"You don't remember me do you?" the man asked and it suddenly became clear to whom the voice belonged.

Derek gulped. "Mr. Clark, yes, I do remember you."

Gary Clark gave a evil little chuckle. "I'm sure you do and I most definitely know that you're the one who killed my Alison."

"Mr. Clark she had a DNR..." Derek began but Gary Clark waved that aside.

"She had a chance and you took that away from her so now you're going to pay for that." Gary Clark said and pointed the gun towards his chest. Derek closed his eyes and braced himself for the inevitable and just as Derek was mentally saying goodbye to Meredith he thought he could her scream in the background.

"Don't shoot him!" Meredith cried as she raced towards her husband.

"Meredith what are you doing here?" Derek demanded, furious that she wouldn't listen to stay away.

Meredith glared at him "Trying to save your life." And she turned towards the shooter who looked suddenly annoyed by this whole scenario.

"Who are you?" Gary Clark demanded

"Who I am isn't as important as why you want to shoot my husband?" Meredith asked coldly.

"Your wife, now this gets even better," Gary Clark chuckled and Derek started to feel chills down his spine.

"We can talk about this," Derek said, pleading since he had a hunch on what the man wanted to do.

Gary Clark shook his head "No more talking. Now you're going to know what it feels like to lose a loved one." He said and slowly turned the gun towards Meredith who was showing no fear at this point.

Much to Derek's complete horror, he watched Mr. Clark pull the trigger and he heard the gun going off, causing Meredith to drop to the floor covered in blood. He became very angry and launched himself at the man who shot his wife and started to beat the crap out of him until someone came and removed him from Gary Clark, who unfortunately was still alive. Derek looked up and saw that it was the SWAT team. He got up and ran to his wife who was just lying there.

"Meredith are you all right?" Derek asked, stroking his wife's hair while trying to contain the blood that was coming out of her chest.

"I, uh... have to...tell you something," Meredith said, unsuccessfully attempting to speak.

"Shh... no worries we'll talk about that later," Derek murmured staring lovingly into her eyes.

"No, but I..."She said and much to Derek's horror saw her eyes roll back into the back of her head.

"Meredith, stay with me! YOU DO NOT GET TO DIE ON ME, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!" Derek panicked and yelled at anyone who was standing by. "GET ME THE PARAMEDICS NOW!" He screamed and looked at his wife who was deathly pale and was losing more blood by the minute "Meredith just stay with me and I'll do anything you ask, anything," he murmured, hoping that this wouldn't be the last time he talked to her.

This is a rewritten version of Chapter 1 of this story and i'm working on chapter 2 with a beta reader with a rewritten version coming soon so i hope you enjoyed it or 're enjoyed it and please continue to read this story.I just want to say thanks to Nettie Moore who worked hard on the editing so i thank you very much for your help.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

"Come on, Meredith, stay with me! STAY WITH ME!" Derek screamed as he held his hands on her chest trying to hold the blood that continued to come out at a rapid pace.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE THE PARAMEDICS!" he yelled to no one in particular, and heard footsteps running towards them and was relieved that they had finally arrived at the scene.

"What have we got?" The first paramedic asked as they began to load Meredith onto the stretcher while Derek watched helplessly.

One of the paramedics turned towards Derek. "Sir, could you tell me what happened here?" he asked, getting a little impatient since he had a patient who was dying and wanted to get her to the hospital immediately.

"Oh, I'm sorry, she suffered a gun shot wound to the chest, and uh..." Derek said faintly and the paramedic nodded at him.

"It's okay, we've got her now. Let's go!" the paramedic shouted and they hurried towards the nearest elevator with Derek closely following behind them holding his wife's hand never letting go of it as they made their way towards the ambulance that would take them to a nearby hospital. Before Derek could go in the ambulance with Meredith he was suddenly stopped by Richard Webber the former chief who stood there with a grim expression on his face.

"Would you like me to run things here til you get back?" he asked knowing that Derek would want to be with Meredith for every step of the way.

"Please, and would you tell the police that I'll give my statement a little bit later?" Derek asked.

Richard just nodded. "Just go be with Meredith we'll handle things from here. The rest of us will catch up with you later and see how's she doing," he said and patted Derek on the shoulder. The Chief watched the younger man race for the ambulance and manage to get right in there before they shut the door.

In the ambulance Derek had refused to let go of Meredith's hand realizing that she could still feel him with her even though she was unconscious and barely hanging on to life. He blamed himself. Meredith shouldn't be lying here, it should be me, he thought as he stared down hungrily at his wife and prayed that she would come out of this alive. He also thought that he should've never become the chief now realizing that being chief had some serious consequences and this was one of them. What if she died because of him? He would never forgive himself for it even though it wasn't his fault that a crazy man wanted to kill him but instead shot the most important person in his life. Derek shook his head. If Meredith makes it through this, I will step down as chief, he vowed. As he was thinking this, they arrived at the hospital and when the ambulance stopped the door flew open immediately.

"What have we got here?" one of the surgeons from Seattle Presbyterian asked the paramedics who lifted Meredith off the ambulance and rushed her into the hospital.

One of the paramedics answered, "We have a 30 year old female with a GSW in the upper chest area and her vitals seem to be falling."

The doctor nodded. "Okay, then we need to get her to the OR stat," he called out and then he turned around and saw a familiar looking man stand there looking pale.

"Chief Shepherd, I heard about the shooting and I am sorry for your loss. I'm guessing that the woman is a victim of the shooting?" the doctor asked.

Derek nodded. "Yes she is Roy, that's my wife on the table there," Derek said and Roy Miller a doctor at the hospital here looked shocked and then patted his shoulder. "We'll do everything we can to save her, okay? Just go sit down in the waiting room and I'll update you as soon as I can okay?" Roy asked and Derek nodded as he watched the doctor literally run for his life leaving Derek to go and find the waiting room where he prayed that his wife would survive this.

Derek must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he knew he saw a whole lot of people from Seattle Grace show up in support of their fallen surgeon, He saw Richard, Mark, and Owen, Cristina sitting not to far from him and trying to not to cry, though she was unsuccessful at it. He saw Owen put his arms around her and whisper something into her ears he must have made a sound as all the eyes shifted toward him.

"Hey Shep, welcome back to the real world," Mark Sloan, his best friend, teased him. But Derek wasn't in the mood for that today.

"Shut up, Mark, I'm in no mood for this," Derek growled and watched Mark as he held up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

"Guys..." Richard warned and started to ask about Meredith. "So, any word on Meredith yet?" he asked although he could have guessed the answer judging by the look on Derek's face.

"No, I am still waiting for Roy to come back for a update soon," Derek said looking at his watch.

"Roy still works here?" Richard asked curiously.

"Yeah apparently he does," Derek answered, not really wanting to talk at the moment although there was one question that he had to ask.

Derek cleared his throat. "Cristina, why did you let Meredith leave the supply closet?"

Cristina just looked at him "Are you seriously blaming me for this?" she asked

"No, I'm just asking how you managed to let Meredith escape after I had ordered the both of you to stay in there?" he asked again, and watched Owen hold Cristina back as she tried to get at Derek who stood there with arms crossed.

"I can't believe you are saying that to me, you McAss. Don't you think I did try to stop her from leaving? Huh? Well let me tell you something, I can't believe she's going to have a baby with someone who acts like a jerk!" Cristina snapped, and all of the sudden the whole room became extremely quiet, with Derek becoming more and more pale by the moment and Mark had to go over there and hold him by the shoulders.

"Meredith was pregnant?" Derek asked in a quiet tone which made everyone around him nervous and now Cristina felt bad because it was supposed to have been a surprise and now was ruined.

"She is still pregnant, I can feel it," Cristina declared.

Derek frowned at her. "How can you be so sure when we don't even know she's still alive yet."

"Trust me, she's my person, she wouldn't give up now," Cristina predicted.

"I hope you're right," he murmured as he looked down at the floor, praying for the nightmare to end on what had looked to be another great day that turned ugly because of him.

"This is all my fault, if she dies," he whispered

"How is this your fault Derek?" Richard asked.

"I killed Gary Clark's wife and now he's trying to kill mine." Derek said.

Richard just shook his head "No, you did not, his wife had signed a DNR. If something like that happened to her you were following orders," Richard said.

Derek just shook his head and was about to say something when he spotted Roy coming towards him. "Roy, how is my wife?" he asked as the doctor stopped in front of him.

Roy hesitated before answering, "It was touch and go for a little while there and we nearly lost her once in the OR." He saw that the chief was paling as if bracing for bad news. "But she's going to be just fine, she is in the recovery room and will stay there until she wakes up."

Relief swarmed at every inch of his body and Derek even felt Mark give him a slight hug but still there was something that he needed to know.

"Roy, how is the baby?" Derek asked, swallowing as he prepared for the worst.

Once again Roy hesitated before answering "The baby is fine, it is being monitored just like it's mother right now but barring any other complications both will be fine and you can see them both in a little while." He left the chief to celebrate this wonderful news with his friends and day had just gotten better Derek thought with a smile. Except for the shooting everything else was just perfect and he couldn't wait until he was with Meredith, and that moment couldn't come soon enough

This is also a rewrite of the orignal chapter 2 of this story same thing but it's been edited so hopefully it sounds alot better to you right now i am working on chapter 3 so hopefully i'll have that up sometime tomorrow. 


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Derek was lead into the ICU by one of the nurses after the doctor had told him that his wife and child were going to be fine. At least, he hoped so. He sat down and studied her, looking at how extremely pale; she was you could barely tell she was alive but fortunately for Derek she was and so was their unborn child. Derek placed a hand on her belly and silently vowed to do whatever it would take to make it up to them, even if it meant stepping down as chief which at this point was a given. But now all he needed - no - what he wanted, was for her to wake up so he could tell her his plans.

He must have been sitting there for what seemed like hours instead of twenty minutes when he heard a groan coming from the bed, and looked up to see Meredith's eyes begin to flicker open. The breath that he held in was silently released.

"Meredith can you open your eyes for me?" Derek asked gently and watched as Meredith opened her eyes completely.

Meredith turned her head towards him "Where am I?" she asked, her voice a bit raspy.

"You're in the hospital, you were shot," Derek said grimly, watching as Meredith's eyes widened as if she just now remembered.

"Oh my god, are you okay? He didn't get you or anything, did he?" Meredith asked anxiously.

"No, I'm fine, but how are you feeling?"

Meredith winced as she tried unsuccessfully to sit up. "It hurt's like hell, oh my god," she whispered and panic started to get the best of her. Derek noticed what was happening and he literally jumped up from his chair and rushed to her.

Derek lifted her chin and stared anxiously into her eyes. "Mer, what is it? What's wrong now?" He had his suspicions that it was about the baby, but wanted to wait until she said something.

"I lost the baby," she whispered, with tears brimming in her eyes and falling to her cheeks.

"Mer, what baby?" Derek asked not really wanting to tell her that he knew about the baby.

Meredith looked him in the eyes "I was going to tell you after work that I was pregnant with your child. I'm sorry that I lost it."

Derek felt really guilty for putting her in the position to get shot, and he told her so. "Mer, I am so sorry, it's my fault that you got shot."

Meredith shook her head. "Unless you had the gun in your hands in wasn't your fault, besides I would do it again in a heartbeat." She could tell that Derek wanted to protest but Meredith held up her hand. "No, you had no idea that this was going to happen. Gary Clark became a disturbed man the day his wife died and you had to respect his wife's wishes with the DNR." She knew that no matter what she said he would continue to blame himself for all of this and that's the last thing Meredith needed at the moment.

Derek knew that Meredith was right, but before he could tell her that the baby was still alive, the door to his wife's room suddenly opened and saw that it was Roy standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face.

"You were supposed to page me when she woke up, Derek." Roy said approaching the bed where he saw Derek's wife sitting up.

"Sorry, I just got so caught up on Meredith that I forgot to page you." Derek said, winking at his wife who blushed at his words.

Roy just rolled his eyes "Whatever you say. Hi, I'm Roy, and you must be Derek's wife, Meredith, is that right?" he asked and Meredith nodded in response.

"Okay Meredith I'm just going to do a follow up, is that okay?" Roy asked and Meredith nodded while he proceeded to check over her surgical scars, making sure that there wasn't any infection from the surgery. When he was satisfied that there wasn't, Roy made notations on her charts updating her vitals, then looked over at Derek and Meredith who were murmuring something and figured she knew that the baby was still there.

Roy turned towards the couple who were staring at him, waiting for him to update them on her condition. "Well, judging from what I see there is no infection from the surgery and, as you know, that's a good thing. Depending on how much Meredith improves, she'll be able to move to a regular room tomorrow and it's quite possible she'll be able to go home by the beginning of next week. As for this pregnancy, I can't see why she couldn't carry this baby to term provided she sees her obgyn regularly. I have to go check on my other patients now, but if you need something or are in any pain there is a button for you to push for a nurse, okay? I'll check on you later," he promised, and quietly left the room, leaving a very stunned Meredith and a very happy Derek to talk about it.

Meredith turned towards Derek who clearly was beaming. "I'm still pregnant," she whispered, placing a hand on her belly and watched as her husband did the same thing.

"You're still pregnant." Derek whispered, tears running down his face. He leaned down and gave her a hard kiss telling her in not many words of how happy he was about this.

Meredith pulled away from him and asked in a serious tone, "Do you think I'll be a good mother?"

He frowned at her. "Of course you'll be a good mother, why would you ask that?"

Meredith shrugged "I don't know, I have never done this before. Plus I had a mother who was too busy in being a surgeon than a mother, so really I have no clue what I'm doing in this," she admitted to Derek.

Derek tilted her head up to face his. "Meredith, no one knows what they are doing the first time they have a child, if you don't believe me just ask my mother! I believe you can do this, that we can do this. I have no doubt that you'll be a great mother. Just have faith in yourself, and that's all that matters."

Meredith sincerely doubted it but kept it to herself, not wanting to argue about it. She began to yawn, causing Derek to chuckle.

"Why don't I go and get Cristina and the gang in here before you fall back asleep?" Derek asked.

She nodded "Sounds great." she replied, and watched as Derek left the room, leaving her with her thoughts about the pregnancy and the shooting, the latter making her shudder. She had a feeling that she was going to have nightmares for many nights and months to come, but as she was falling asleep the last thing on her mind was how much she loved Derek and how glad she was to be having his baby.

Derek went over to the waiting room where he spotted Cristina and the rest of the gang standing around waiting for his return, and was spotted by Cristina who right away ran towards him hoping eagerly for some news.

"How is she?" Cristina demanded.

He smiled at the group. "She is fine, sore but-" Derek paused before continuing on, "-she is expecting our first child within the next year," he finished, and was immediately surrounded and hugged by everyone in the room with congratulations being spread around. Derek couldn't help but feel happy that all of his and Meredith's friends were here, although this was not the way they wanted to, he thought wryly.

"So can we see her now?" asked Cristina, who wanted to make sure her person was alright.

Derek nodded "You guys can only stay for a few minutes; Meredith is still exhausted so she needs her rest," he warned them and they all nodded and followed him to his wife's room. They were all surprised by what they saw, and chuckled as they heard a big snore come from her room.

"Safe to say she'll be alright," Cristina said wryly.

Derek chuckled and looked at his wife who was resting peacefully. Yes, he thought, she would be okay physically, but mentally? He shook his head and wondered how they were going to cope with this latest tragedy and how they were going to overcome this. Only time would tell, and the healing process was going to be a long and painful one ahead, one that he was not looking forward to.

Okay so it looks like Meredith and the baby are going to be okay physically anyways but now she's going to struggle with what happend after the shooting emotionally how is she going to cope and can Derek help her ? stay tuned for the next chapter as the emotional stuff begins so stay you noticed the improvements on here it's because i now have a beta reader who knows who she is that does the editing so i want to thank her for her time to help me out with this story and hopefully more to come.I hoped you enjoyed this chapter i know i did writing it so please read and review and i promise to have a new one up and running as soon as i can,thanks and enjoy! 


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

A week passed since the shooting and Meredith was finally released from the hospital,on a promise that for the next month or so she would take it easy not that she had much of a choice she thought as she and Derek arrived home and Meredith slowly walking into the house with the help of her husband who had never left her side at the hospital. She knew he still blamed himself for what had happend but as she kept reminding him on a daily basis that it wasn't his fault,but still she knew he felt responsible and would always feel that in pain Meredith slowly made her way to the couch and gratefully layed down and suddenly closed her eyes feeling the tiredness kicking in and promptly fell asleep.

Derek was in the kitchen making something to eat when he thought he heard snores coming from the living room,chuckling he went into the living room and noticed that his wife was sound asleep completely unaware of her snores which after all that she had been through was a complete miracle. Quietly moving back to the kitchen Derek started to think about his future with Meredith ,the baby and realized that he couldn't be there for both for as along as he was chief and maybe the shooting made him realize that being the head honcho wasn't worth it,no way uh uh. So when he got the got the chance he was going to go to the board and announce his resignation, and probably wouldn't be surprised with what happend to Meredith and about this made him feel depressed so he grabbed his food and quietly went into the living room and turned on the tv to a very respectable level when the phone began to ring,and he quickly grabbed the phone before it could wake her up.

"Hello?" he answered

"Hi Derek how's Meredith doing?"Replied Richard for who was now running the hospital for Derek for the time being.

He glanced at Meredith who was still peacefully sleeping for the moment "Resting for the moment which is a good thing considering she didn't get alot of it." he answered back.

The phone was silent before Richard said " Good then she needs her rest.I hate to be asking this right now,  
>but when are you coming back to the hospital? i mean i'm not trying to rush you or anything,but we could use you right about now."<p>

Derek sighed he knew that was coming it's been over a week since the shooting and he had not done a single thing to help the hospital,and everyone had understood that Meredith had come first but now?  
>they all wanted him to resume his duty as the chief.<p>

"Richard i'm not coming back for awhile Meredith still needs me and i can't leave her not right now."

Richard was silent for a moment before asking " When are you planning to come back Derek?"

Here was the perfect opportunity to tell him what he was going to do "Richard there is something i must discuss with you." Derek said and slowly got up and off the couch and to not disturb Meredith who was still sleeping.

Meredith awoke to murmuring a short time later she groggily looked up and spotted Derek talking on the phone with someone trying to be quiet about it but not succeeding either,she couldn't help but notice how her husbands voice got a little bit louder at each time he what this was about she slowly sat up and then slowly stood up and very painfully made her way towards her kitchen where it looked like Derek was going to explode.

"Is everything okay?" she asked softly and watched as her husbands head automatically turned towards hers.

"Richard i got to go Meredith's up i'll call you later." Derek said and abruptly hung up then looked at his wife who had concern written on her face.

He went over and kissed her giving her a hug in the process "Hey what are you doing up?" he asked softly

Meredith shrugged "The phone woke me up."she watched as Derek looked at her with guilt in his eyes,and she waved it off "Not your fault,so was that Richard i heard on the phone?" she asked.

"Uh yeah he was uh calling to check up on you to see how you were doing." Derek lied and felt guilty about it.

She arched her brow " Really so why does it look like you want to break something?"

He wanted to groan he should have known that Meredith would pick up on it she was good at that,however he still wasn't ready to talk about it.

"Everything is fine Meredith trust me." Derek assured her.

"If you say so." Meredith said not really wanting to argue about it.

Derek knew she didn't believe him and was relieved when she didn't push it " So what are doing up physically i mean? aren't you supposed to be lying down or something?" he asked.

She shrugged " I don't know i guess i got a little hungry or something,for the baby i guess."

He frowned " Is everything okay Mer? you don't sound like yourself you'd normally be jumping at the chance for food."

Meredith sighed " I don't know i've been feeling like this for awhile now ever since the hospital,i just don't feel like eating."

"Meredith you haven't been back for more than a few hours." Derek pointed out.

"I know that so stop bugging me about it." she snapped.

He didn't want to argue with her right now so he went and grabbed her a banana and tossed it to her "Here at least eat this for now.

Meredith automatically reached for it and began to peel it and slowly began to eat it "Thanks now could you help me to the bedroom please?" she asked.

Derek nodded and went over and helped Meredith up the stairs and into the bedroom where she lifted up the blanket and slowly crawled into the bed,and gratefully managed to lay couldn't help but notice how pale she really was with dark circles underneath the eyes made him realize just how much she has suffered through out this,and more than likely will continue to didn't realize how lucky he was til it was almost too late and now, he was more than ready to do whatever it took to make sure he kept it.

Meredith was watching him and judging from the look in his eyes, she knew he was concerned for her and had every right to be but she wasn't ready to talk about what happend for at least right now anyways,at some point she'll have to but until then she'll try to be as normal as she could possibly be.

"Derek..." she began

"Yes Meredith." he said eagerly

"I know you want to talk about it,the baby and everything but could you please be patient with me? i'm not ready to discuss it right now,okay?" she asked pleading with him.

Derek hesitated for a minute before responding with " Sure take all the time you need,i'm not going anywhere." And then he saw the most beautiful smile come across Meredith's face and realized that it was the first one in quite sometime.

"Thank you ." she said and sat up and gave him a quick kiss before laying back down.

"You're welcome,now why don't you get some rest and i'll check on you a little bit later okay?" he asked gently stroking her hair.

Meredith smiled and nodded " Okay." she said and closed her eyes and within seconds her breathing began to even out,which meant she was asleep and that he could leave. As he got up and off the bed Derek realized that stepping down as the chief of surgery was going to be the best thing he ever did and knowing that made him feel alot better about everything.

Derek had been downstairs for a little over a hour before he heard a sound which sent a chill down his spine and something he had sworn he would never hear, Meredith's scream.

So let the nightmare's begin,it's going to the beginning of a slow healing process for Meredith and Derek who now has to deal with the aftermath so stay tuned.I hoped you enjoyed this chapter and hope that you will review since they mean so much to me,thanks and enjoy! 


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Derek ran quickly up the stairs and into their bedroom where he spotted his wife thrashing about all over the bed and whimpering causing him to rush towards the bed,instantly grabbing her by the arms and immediately pulled her into his arms where he began to murmer to her.

'Shhhhh... i'm here Mer ,i'm here." he said quietly and began to rock her gently in his arms as if she were a child.

Meredith glanced up at him with tears in her eyes "Derek..."she began to say but he would have none of it.

"It's okay Mer you were having just a nightmare." Derek said gently

She began to shiver and it was not because of the cold "It was just a dream." Meredith whispered softly and felt her husband hugged her closer towards him.

Derek had a feeling what the dream was about but he wanted to hear it from her so he asked "What happend in the dream,Mer?"

Meredith closed her eyes for a minute before opening them and started to tell him her dream " I dreamed that it was you that was shot instead of me,and you died leaving me alone with a baby to raise with out a father." she said and began to sob Derek's heart broke knowing that his job nearly cost him his life and more importantly his wife and child and he was now certain that stepping down as chief was the right thing to now was the perfect time to tell her.

Derek gently pulled away from her and looked into her eyes which were red from all the crying so he had to be careful with her.

"Meredith how would you feel if i stepped down from being chief of surgery?" he asked having a pretty good idea of what she was about to say.

Meredith looked at him as if he were crazy and maybe it was true but he would do anything for her and judging from the expression on her face it was going to be a long discussion.

"You want to step down from being chief? even though this was what you have worked for all your life?  
>are you crazy!" Meredith yelped at him.<p>

Derek just shook his head " Maybe."he admitted as he began to sit up and pace the bedroom where his wife just continued to stare at him.

"But why?" she asked concerningly.

He looked down at the floor before replying " I can't risk being chief anymore not after what happend."he said to her.

She gaped at him "Derek what happend wasn't your fault you know that right?" Meredith asked him.

He shook his head "It was my fault,if i hadn't killed his wife he wouldn't have shot you."

Meredith couldn't believe she was hearing this after all from what he had told her he had done everything he grabbed his hand and placed it against her heart letting him know that it was still beating.

"Derek you did everything you could you had to respect her DNR there wasn't anything else that you could have done differently to change anything." she pointed out to him.

Derek wanted to believe her but he couldn't and told her so "Meredith it was my responsibility to make sure that she lived and i let down,therefore i let everyone else down and all those deaths from the hospital? that's on me i can't do that anymore."

Meredith just shook her head knowing how stubborn her husband was and right now she was too tired to deal with it so she sighed and patted the side of the bed "Okay then we'll leave it alone for now,why don't you come lay down with me it looks like you need some rest." she said.

He knew that she wanted to argue with him some more and was grateful when she dropped it for now,so he moved towards the bed and lifted himself onto it where he pulled Meredith towards him and layed down which she snuggled against him.

"Derek?" Meredith asked.

"Yes?" he responded with a yawn.

Meredith hesitated before shaking her head "Nothing good night, i love you."she said with a yawn.

"Love you too,sweet dreams." he responded and cringed when he said it but when she didn't respond he looked down at his wife and saw that she was sound asleep,and smiled even if still for whatever reason that he was still was chief Derek knew that he would have Meredith by his side and that would be all that mattered.

The next day he decided to go back to the hospital with a promise to Meredith he would be home early and that if she needed anything to give him a call which she assured him she would and gave him a kiss goodbye saying she would see him had arrived at the hospital where he saw Richard pacing down the hallway in an extreme agitated mood,not wanting to find out what the reason was for his agitation he walked slowly towards the elevator when much to his chagrin heard a voice behind him.

"Derek welcome back."Richard said as he walked towards the younger man who seemed be in a hurry somewhat.

Derek rolled his eyes before replying "I'm only here to check on the hospital then i'm going home." he said not eager to have this conversation.

"You're the chief your supposed to be here."Richard insisted.

Derek turned towards Richard before answering "I'm not going to be chief for not much longer."

Richard frowned "I think you're making a big mistake Derek."

He gave a sarcastic little laugh "No the big mistake was becoming a chief in the first place."

"Why would you say that?"

Just as he was going to respond to that the elevator finally arrived much to his to relief and got on with out having to answering Richard knowing he didn't have to answer that although he couldn't help but wonder if being the chief was not a mistake?what if it was meant to be? he thought about it then shook his head it wasn't worth it,he vowed to himself that he would resign from the chief position and become a much better person after all how hard could it be?

He pondered all that a few hours later as he arrived home from the hospital satisfied knowing that he did the right thing,for him,for Meredith and their unborn child resigning offically from being chief to just becoming the head of neurosurgeon it would allow more time spent with his wife although he knew she wasn't going to like it. He entered the home hoping to find Meredith laying down on the couch watching some tv,only to find it extremely quiet. Frowning he dropped his brief case and slowly walked towards the stairs where he could hear a loud noise coming from the bedroom,running quickly towards it Derek managed to make it there only to find the door locked.

"Meredith?"Derek called and heard no response come from the other side of the door.

"Meredith it's me,let me in." he called out hoping this time he would get a response from her.

He was relieved when he heard the door unlock and was about to open it when the door was yanked wide open which caused him to fall flat on his face.

"Meredith is everything okay?" he began to ask but didn't see the wooden bat as he was knocked out and just as he was losing conciousness he heard Meredith say "What have i done?" and heard nothing more

I know this isn't the best chapter so i apologize and the bat thing?i wasn't going to write that part it just happend so i apologize now is the beginning of Meredith's breakdown it's going to continue for a little while so please bare with me anyways in the meantime i hoped you enjoyed it this was the best i could do since i have had no computer until now so my writing's been slow in coming.I hope to have a new chapter up and running within the next few days so in the meantime please review i enjoy getting those and they make my day,thanks! 


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Meredith stared at her husband she didn't mean to knock him out it was that damn nightmare she had the same one since she was shot,and it was becoming a pain in the ass. She knew it was normal having nightmares but it was apparent that it would only get worse and judging from the groan that came from Derek's mouth,he would agree.

" Derek are you alright?" she asked wincing as she knelt beside him on the floor.

Derek slowly sat up rubbing his head " Yeah i'm fine,what about you are you okay?" he asked noting the pain that was in her eyes.

"No but i'll live." Meredith quietly said and slowly stood up and watched Derek do the same.

Derek eyed his wife who was deathly pale and judging from the grimace on her face needed to lie down and now.

"Meredith". He began slowly getting up "you need to get back to bed,here let me help you." he said reaching for her hand and guided her to the bed where she gratefully laid down and sighed.

"How long have these nightmares been going on Meredith?" Derek asked laying down beside her in bed.

Meredith shrugged "Since i've been in the hospital they come and go."

"Do you want to talk about it? It would help make you feel better." Derek said quietly.

Meredith shook her head "No thank you everytime i think about the shooting i get the chills,so no i don't want to talk about it."

She would have to talk about it if she wanted to get back to work in a few weeks so Derek pointed it out to her "Mer i don't think you really have a choice if you want to go back to work in a few weeks,everyone has to get a psych clearance before returning."

He watched her roll her eyes before Meredith replied with "Right now all i want to do is sleep,not go to work so i will deal with it then just let it be for now okay!" she said and turned over onto her side of the bed telling him the conversation was over,so Derek did the same and turned off the light thinking

how much longer could she go on with the nightmares? And how was he going to handle it?

For the next few weeks Derek watched Meredith struggle not only physically but emotionally from all the nightmares and very little rest,it was becoming more and more clear that she needed to see a psychiatrist and soon and Derek was becoming more and more determined to get her to see one. He came home one night from work and saw that Meredith was chopping a tomato and as soon as he had made a appearence in the kitchen,she turned and held the knife in her hand as if to see a robber in the house and he had to reassure her that he wasn't one. It was unbearable and Derek was going to put a stop to it starting now.

"This has got to stop you can't go on like this." Derek said as they were eating dinner that night.

"I'm fine i don't need to talk to anyone about it." Meredith insisted poking at her dinner which was starting to become less appetizing.

"Oh really, than what's with the holding the knife to my gut earlier then?" Derek asked annoyance heard in his voice.

"I said i was sorry what's with you anyways?"Meredith snapped getting irritated with his questions.

"I'm getting sick and tired of watching you go through this and not wanting to get help for it,that's my problem!" Derek said angrily.

Meredith threw down her napkin "Well it's my decision if i want to get help or not so do not tell me what to do!" she yelled.

Derek suddenly lost it "Well excuse me but I do get a say in this since you're carrying my baby!"

She stared at him "What does the baby have to do with my decision? You think i'll put my baby in danger because i refuse to get help?get real!"

"I don't think I know you will,you never think about the consequences Meredith and by god if you have those nightmares,there will be no telling what you are going to do!."

Meredith couldn't deal with this anymore so she got up from the table and headed towards the stairs "Well if you can't handle me then you can sleep on the couch from now on!."and walked to their room and slammed their door leaving Derek even more furious with her.

"Fine see if i care!" He shouted and got up from the table clearing the dishes just furious that she wouldn't even consider getting help for her,for him and more importantly their unborn child. He probably should have known that Meredith that would be stubborn when it came to getting help,but the fact that she wouldn't do it for their child? Derek shook his head and thought it was going to be hell on earth before she got help and he hoped by then it wouldn't be to late.

Sorry for the delay for this chapter i've been having computer issues so i'm back on track. I hoped you enjoyed this chapter i hadn't planned writing a fight in so soon but i figured this is the perfect time to write on in and no worries they'll be just fine and soon! And in the meantime i hope you liked it and i really hope you review it! Thanks and enjoy!


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